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Million Dollar Band

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October 14, 2013

By Joey Bland

This University of Alabama band is worth a million dollars, and I really don’t measure up. I’m worth around twenty bucks, at most.

Million Dollar Band

First off, you gotta have a talent, an instrument. And that is not something I have. I tried to make a noise on a trumpet, and that just made the dogs around the practice field angry. So I thought I’d try something smaller. Wow. A flute is not an easy instrument to get a sound out of. You can turn that mouthpiece forward and backward and forward again, but it still sounds like the world’s tiniest jug band when I try it. Tiniest and worst. So I thought, if small isn’t working, go big. And let me tell you, those tubas are heavy. I didn’t even try to play it. Once they put it on my shoulder, I cried mercy. So I struck out on everything. Even the marimbas and xylophones. Turns out, you don’t actually march with those things, but the guys let me try anyway. Thanks a lot. I almost got one to move.

Oh yeah. Marching. I hadn’t even gotten to marching yet. So let’s suppose you’re some great mellophone (whatever that is) virtuoso. Not only do you have to play it right and make the songs sound pretty, you have to march around the whole time you’re doing it. And if you can move and play, there’s a certain way they want you to move. With everyone else. All choreographed and stuff. What? This is getting impossible.

And it turns out the way you get good enough to march in sync and play in sync and be so amazing is by practicing with every spare second you have. These guys spend 85% of their game day with each other, perfecting every second of their craft and making Crimson Tide fans even more excited than they were when they woke up. And these are Alabama fans, so they started off pretty jazzed to begin with.

So let’s see. There are around 400 band members, and the band is worth $1,000,000. My math (i.e., the guy I had do my math) tells me that’s about $2,500 per member. That’s $2,500 worth of musical talent, physical coordination and discipline. Of which I have about $0. But maybe just showing up is worth something. Maybe that’s worth $20. Just a guess-timate.

So I’ll call myself the Twenty Dollar One-Man Band. And I’ll show up. But I know there’s only one band in town – and that’s who everyone is showing up for. And they’re worth a million.

P.S.: What instrument do you play in your rock star dreams?

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