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Meet Bama’s Biggest Fan

Decisions, Decisions

October 14, 2013

By Joey Bland

How does he do it? How does he decide? Ray Hornsby has a fleet of tricked-out Crimson Tide–themed vehicles in his backyard, and every day he has to decide which one to take on that day’s journey. If I were Ray Hornsby (and I’ll, of course, never be Ray Hornsby because … who else in the world can have that kind of passion for the University of Alabama? No one. He is singular. There is only room in the world for one Ray Hornsby – but still … ), to repeat, if I were Ray Hornsby, I’d just stand there, slack-jawed, eyeing my priceless collection of Tuscaloos-esque cars and trucks, and I’d be so overcome with pride and happiness that I’d never make up my mind. So how does he do it?

Meet Bama’s Biggest Fan

Well, my guess is there are different cars for different occasions. Maybe it works something like this.

Casual errands and trips around town? Then you’ve got to take the car with the elephant on top. You know, because if you’re grocery shopping, you may need an extra trunk. (BOOM!!)

Formal occasion? Wedding, etc.? Then you take the helmet car. Definitely the helmet car. If there’s a dress code, then you have to take the only car that is, well, dressed. It’s a helmet on wheels. That counts as clothing, right?

What if you’re headed out to a Crimson Tide event, though? A game or a parade? Then you take the truck with the stadium in the bed. Not only is it painted with scenes of Alabama victories from days gone by, but that stadium is like a team spirit secret weapon, and it’s always nice to be able to surprise the fans and remind them why you’re all out there.

But then again, maybe the stadium car makes sense while shopping, because the stadium is a safe place to protect your bread. Or maybe the helmet car is the best thing to take to a game, because it’s the loudest thing on wheels and it’ll really scare the enemy. And that elephant car would work at a wedding, because that way you’ve always got a date.

Like I said, I just don’t know how he does it. And that’s just thinking of the permutations of three of Ray’s cars. He’s got plenty more – sheesh! Well, here’s hoping he doesn’t get any others. He can’t, right? He can’t doctor up even more vehicles to show off his Tide pride, can he?

Of course he can. Of course he will. It’ll just keep getting more and more complicated. How in the world does he do it?

P.S.: What was your first or your coolest car?

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