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Band of the Devil

Renovation Time

February 18, 2013

By Joey Bland

Hey, Blue Devil, I visited your home. I saw where you live. And here are four recommendations for you to improve your way of life if you insist on staying underground.

Band of the Devil
  1. Buy a fan.
    It’s hot down there, man. I don’t know how you do it. The AC in Cameron is not reaching you, so get a fan or some ice or something. If I lived down there, I would not wear a cape. I don’t think I could even keep a shirt on. Too many layers, bro. Seriously, can you not feel it? It’s a damp heat. Swampy.
  2. Get some posters.
    The dècor is pretty lacking in there. You found a theme, and you stuck with it, but it’s monotonous. Great, you have a creative streak. Nice headbands; some of them are really funny. But seriously, man, you’ve essentially just wall-papered with tape. Tape! It’s like a fourth-grader decorated that place.
  3. Move that pitchfork.
    That is an accident waiting to happ—ouch!! Too late. It just fell over on you in your sleep. Or your date, who finally looked past your stinky, under-decorated apartment, just impaled her head on it. It’s a giant iron spear. What are you trying to prove? You cannot leave that thing just sitting around.
  4. Do not live with a band.
    I saw all those instruments strewn about – the tubas and trumpets and such. And I know they’re for a pep band or whatever, not some ’80s rock ’n’ roll monsters. But trust me on this. Musicians are musicians. They are not good roommates. I’ll say no more. You’ve been warned.

I know this was a little brutal. They’re just suggestions. You’re great, but I think there’s always room for improvement. It might be time to live like a grown-up.

Still Intimidated By You,
Joey Bland

P.S. Tell me about the weirdest roommate you ever had.

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